tears

today was hard. i finally cried. a lot. the sisters at church had a nice lunch for the family. then the viewing. my aunt didn't like people staring at her, even in death, so it was a closed casket. my mom helped her daughters dress her, that was the beginning of her crying. my mom has been pretty strong through this, but today she looked rough. her eyes and nose were red and swollen. she looked her 57 years. and yet she was beautiful. no black for her. she was in pink and green and looked like spring. i set next to her during the first part of the viewing when it was just mostly family and we watched the slideshow. my mom in the early pictures with her pointy glasses and blond pig tails. ruth was a beautiful woman. i cried through the pictures. her and bob and their teenage love that blossomed into a wonderful marriage with 5 children and 8 grandchildren. she really lived. lots of pictures of all the places she's been. hawaii and jamaica, the bahamas and all over the us. by her side her children and her beloved husband. always a smile on her face and a laugh in her eyes. as i cried i remembered how vibrant and loud and loving she was. i'm going to miss that.

the funeral was wonderful and long. the church was packed with the people who loved her. her youngest daughter and oldest granddaughter just 2 years apart, sung nearer my god to thee. that song always makes me cry. then robyn her daughter spoke. she's closest to me in age and 7 months pregnant. she cried through a lot of it and recounted among other things, the romance of her parents. then her son jason spoke. he recounted ruth's penchant for losing her keys and wallet and glasses. her nicknames for all her children and siblings. she was mama bear. his wife is pregnant with their first child. they just found out it was a boy. someone to carry on the family name. ruth was at the birth of all her grandchildren. he cried when he said how much she had been looking forward to being at the birth of his son. talk about tears flowing. then all her grandchildren sang the song love is spoken here. my mom spoke after that. her siblings said they couldn't do it. she's the rock, the big sister now, so she got the things they each wanted to say and weaved them into a lovely and funny tribute to their sister.

then one of her tuesday night painting sisters spoke. ruth and 3 girlfriends had gotten together every tuesday for 12 years to work on projects, share their trials and triumphs and girl talk. it was nice to hear a friend talk, to share another part of my aunt. during this talk, tiffany's daughter scared us by chocking on a spree. then she threw up on her mother. pregnant, sick, at her mother's funeral, her child scaring her and then puking on her and tiffany's bday is tomorrow. she looked pretty miserable. another speaker - a bit long winded and a operatic singing of the lord's prayer by dr kesling and then the bishop read what my uncle bob couldn't get up there and say. it was to everyone there about how much he appreciated their help these two months. and it was to his ruthie. many tears. to be loved like that. to share your life with your best friend. i want that someday.

needless to say by the end karen, cat and i had a mountain of tissues setting on the pew between us. the gravesite ceremony was short and hot. i stopped at my nana and great grandpa's graves and swept the freshly mown grass of them. poor tiff. after the drama with her daughter she fell when putting the rose on her mother's casket. luckily her dad caught her. we hugged my mom goodbye, she looked ready to collapse, and brian drove her home (he finally got his real driver's license!) the rest of us kids went to my place, just next door to the cemetery and got bbq and talked and laughed about things that didn't matter. when needed a break from all the heavy stuff. then to bed i went. my leg and back hurt from all the sitting and my head hurt from all the crying.

tomorrow the family wants to get together before they leave. we're going to fanning springs. that was always the place they went to cool off at when they were growing up. bob gives boat rides on the river and we lay in the shade and float in the springs. last time i went with them was 20 years ago. i'm looking forward to being with them all. to remember ruth. to get to know each other better. to enjoy each other while we're here. to have fun with the people i love.