ruth

so i went to see my aunt last night. i made chicken soup from scratch. and when you start with a frozen chicken at 9pm, you don't get finished until 1am, just so ya know. she's in a coma now and looks very peaceful. my three sisters and i went over. karen and i went in and held her hand and talked to her and put some yummy smelling mango lotion on her feet that she likes.

it was nice to talk to our cousins. they mostly live in georgia and this time some brought their husbands and all their kids. it was noisy and fun with lots of laughter. but there is a weariness in their faces, especially of the two that are pregnant. i cannot imagine the pain of losing my mother. someday i will and i know i'll have them to lean on. i love my aunt very much. she's lived 40 minutes or less away from me my whole life. i lived in her house, in the very room she's dying in, for a summer. then i was next door for a semester. i have only cried once about it, in the temple, soon after the doctor gave us the news. but there is a knot of tears in my chest that is building. im sure it will come out at the funeral. my best friends grandmother died about 10 years ago. she is the only person i've lost who has been close. i was fine until just before the funeral when the family gathered to hear the bishop pray. i lost it. i practically had to shove my fist in my mouth to quiet the sobs. im thinking it will be something like that again. but this time i'll be surrounded by more family, so maybe it will be better. plus my concern will be focused on my mom. i also cannot imagine losing a sister. mine are like appendages, myself not working right without them.

i guess i also just feel peace. i know she's lived a good life, had a wonderful husband, children, grandchildren and friends. she's touched alot of lives for the better. i feel blessed to know her. but oh how im going to miss that laugh. that loud, almost donkey-like, endearing, yet slightly embarrassing laugh. its making me tear up just thinking about it. that's how i'll remember her. loving her family, doing her crafts, and laughing. i know that she's going to be with those little grandbabies about to arrive and to see her mom and grandparents. and though we'll miss her, she where's she supposed to be.

i also have felt so much love from my friends. lots of texts and calls and facebook messages and facebook chat, to make sure im okay and what they can do to help. just the asking is wonderful. letting me talk. how truly glorious it is to have so many caring people in my life.

it felt good to type this. now to have some pleasant dreams. nite.