a few things got accomplished this weekend. right now i'm blogging from bed, so that means, yes you've got it . . . my laptop now connects to the interent! thank you daddy. he gave me a new router that's faster and smaller (more needed desk space) so i'm up and running, or i guess the computer is, i'm lying down.
thursday's sneezing and the tickling in the back of my throat, turned into fogginess in the brain by friday night and full on sick the rest of the weekend. sam dragged me out for moe's and whip it friday night, so that helped dull the pain. whip it was soooo much fun, you should go see it. sat i got the times wrong for the broadcast, when you're sick translating time zones is no easy task, so i slept through the first one. my roommate and i watched the second sat session and the sunday sessions. i crocheted while i listened, so i got one and half scarves finished. plus i heard good things to help motivate me to do better.
the rest of the weekend i slept and read the gabaldon book. monday i was still feeling yucky, so i stayed home. i guess i got too much sleep, because i couldn't fall asleep monday night and just read til 5:30am. i had an early meeting, so just got up and went in early (its so weird going to work when its dark). i finished the gabaldon book, which was good, but it left soooo many loose ends. it took her three years to write this one, it'll probably be five before she does book 7. so frustrating! but i'm judging a romance writer's contest for the second year in a row and have only read one of the five books. i stopped to read gabaldon's book so i could get it to the next person in line (what a good librarian i am). now i'm on book two. they are light, fluffy paperback romances. the current one is 'inspirational' so there is lots of praying and God talk mixed in with the story. its nice. i've read plenty of mormon fiction, so i'm use to it, but its interesting to see how writers not of my faith portray God and religion in their work. the cool thing is that i get to keep the books and they are autographed by the authors. they aren't my kind of book, but my aunt and grandma asked for books for christmas, specifically used books, due to these financial times, and here are perfectly good, once read books i can give as gifts!
i got laundry done too, but that's all. not very productive, but i'm blaming the sickness. this weekend i'm not gonna get anything done either. maybe friday night i'll go through stuff for a yard sale and put laundry away. saturday i'm going to orlando with the parents and then hopefully watching the gator game with friends. then church sunday morning, a nap and dinner at my friend carrie's to celebrate her bday (got to get to joanne's so i can finish her gift!) i've applied for a higher position at the library and i have my test tuesday, so i need to do a little studying for that somewhere in there. oh and rest up for next week. i have to work 7 days in a row and have lots to do at the library. plan and present my halloween program. decorate the library float for the homecoming parade. decorate the library for halloween. do the schedules for the next week. figure out where to store all the donations while the big friends of the library sale is going on. and finish things that might not get done tomorrow, such as interviewing the intern applicant (i had to cancel mon from being sick and she cancelled today from being sick) and write up and submit purchase requisitions for bookmarks and stickers. you wouldn't believe how patrons get about bookmark and sticker choices. they ask for different ones if i don't have out something they like. they're free! why are you complaining? i digress.
so now i'm gonna read a little bit of my inspirational romance and then sleep on my bare matress cause i just did three more loads of laundry (and i never put away the two i did this weekend, i told you i hate it!) and i'm too lazy to put the clean sheets back on. i only got as far as the pillowcase. i really need a maid.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
the chores of life
three whole days of no plans except for church. granted church this weekend is special. there are 8 hours of broadcasts from salt lake for me to enjoy. luckily the internet is wonderful and i can watch them in my pjs. however sunday i'm gonna to church to watch them with some friends and have yummy food. too much sitting but wonderful speakers and messages and singing that makes me feel good.
i have sooooo many things i want to do this weekend that have been put off. wash my car, inside and out, there is an odor developing from probably some kind of leftover food. laundry, the task that never gets done. if only i could just have old navy ship me new clothes each week, so i would never have to put clothes away, i hate it! clean up my craft table. right now the table is buried in a foot high mess of craft stuff. papers, markers, pictures, stamps, stickers, ribbon, ink pads, scissors, etc. are sliding off the edges. my desk. oh the scariness. i have 6 boxes and a laundry basket full of things that need to be gone through, tossed or put away in my desk. i'm afraid. when this is done, i can go through the mound of paid bills (i pay everything online, but still get the bills in paper form) that need to be organized and put away in the desk too. its only about 9 months worth. i need to decorate for halloween. and i have mucho stuff to hang and put out. i need to crochet some scarfs for this silent auction i'm helping with at work to raise money for the united way. i need to finish my friend's bday gift, which requires 1 trip to joann's and about an hours more work. i need to make my christmas list to give to my sis. i want books mostly, but i need to go through my bookshelves (which of course are in a bit of disarray) and figure out what i have and what i want. i need to pay my bills (payday!!) and figure out if i can live off what's left.
i think that's about it. oh wait, i need to work on websites for my dad. i took that class and then haven't done a thing with it. oh the guilt. i finally did go out and work for him on monday. washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, vaccumming etc. then he made me dinner, that was nice. i told him i'd come friday too, but he's coming to town for a dr appointment, and i asked him to swing by and fix my wireless. my roommate's laptop will connect, but mine and several other people who've come over can't get the internet to work. i would have an easier time with doing the website if i could sit in bed or on the couch. my back doesn't like to sit in a chair after a day of work.
so here's hoping i can actually get some of this stuff done. because i know there is no way i'll get to all of it. especially when i'm only on page 58 of 824 of the new diana gabaldon book. yup, not much is gonna get done at all :)
i have sooooo many things i want to do this weekend that have been put off. wash my car, inside and out, there is an odor developing from probably some kind of leftover food. laundry, the task that never gets done. if only i could just have old navy ship me new clothes each week, so i would never have to put clothes away, i hate it! clean up my craft table. right now the table is buried in a foot high mess of craft stuff. papers, markers, pictures, stamps, stickers, ribbon, ink pads, scissors, etc. are sliding off the edges. my desk. oh the scariness. i have 6 boxes and a laundry basket full of things that need to be gone through, tossed or put away in my desk. i'm afraid. when this is done, i can go through the mound of paid bills (i pay everything online, but still get the bills in paper form) that need to be organized and put away in the desk too. its only about 9 months worth. i need to decorate for halloween. and i have mucho stuff to hang and put out. i need to crochet some scarfs for this silent auction i'm helping with at work to raise money for the united way. i need to finish my friend's bday gift, which requires 1 trip to joann's and about an hours more work. i need to make my christmas list to give to my sis. i want books mostly, but i need to go through my bookshelves (which of course are in a bit of disarray) and figure out what i have and what i want. i need to pay my bills (payday!!) and figure out if i can live off what's left.
i think that's about it. oh wait, i need to work on websites for my dad. i took that class and then haven't done a thing with it. oh the guilt. i finally did go out and work for him on monday. washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, vaccumming etc. then he made me dinner, that was nice. i told him i'd come friday too, but he's coming to town for a dr appointment, and i asked him to swing by and fix my wireless. my roommate's laptop will connect, but mine and several other people who've come over can't get the internet to work. i would have an easier time with doing the website if i could sit in bed or on the couch. my back doesn't like to sit in a chair after a day of work.
so here's hoping i can actually get some of this stuff done. because i know there is no way i'll get to all of it. especially when i'm only on page 58 of 824 of the new diana gabaldon book. yup, not much is gonna get done at all :)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
being a lazy bum
i don't want to do much of anything lately, including blog. i had a pretty good trip with my family to the georgia mountains. too much fighting, but some good relaxing. i'm tired. i am blah since the big 3-0. my fav thing to do lately is lay in bed and read. i have totally been flaking out on my job with my dad. i finished the website class last month and haven't done one thing to spruce up the websites he has. i was supposed to work for him monday and friday this week since i had off from the library, but instead i slept in (today until 3:30pm!) and read. i haven't been to the gym either. i need some motivation to get off my butt and do stuff that's good for me.
i'm going to kate's tomorrow to watch florida beat the tar out of tennessee. that will be fun. the first two games, i was out of town or working. football games at kate and jd's are the best! maybe i'll get a free movie out of sam afterwards.
i need to get some craft projects done. i'm almost finished with a cross stitch project, that needs to be done the first of october. then i need to do some major scrapbooking. then i have to finish crocheting a blanket for my sister. its a little over half done. its for her graduation in april, so i think it'll be okay.
i also have to plan a trip to go up to pennsylvania and get my grandma. another sister is graduating in december and grandma is coming for that and christmas. she won't fly alone, so i go get her and she pays. i love free vacays! i'm trying to get one out of my parents for when my brother goes to utah to start his mission for the church.
i've got to start thinking of a halloween costume. any ideas?
i'm going to kate's tomorrow to watch florida beat the tar out of tennessee. that will be fun. the first two games, i was out of town or working. football games at kate and jd's are the best! maybe i'll get a free movie out of sam afterwards.
i need to get some craft projects done. i'm almost finished with a cross stitch project, that needs to be done the first of october. then i need to do some major scrapbooking. then i have to finish crocheting a blanket for my sister. its a little over half done. its for her graduation in april, so i think it'll be okay.
i also have to plan a trip to go up to pennsylvania and get my grandma. another sister is graduating in december and grandma is coming for that and christmas. she won't fly alone, so i go get her and she pays. i love free vacays! i'm trying to get one out of my parents for when my brother goes to utah to start his mission for the church.
i've got to start thinking of a halloween costume. any ideas?
Monday, August 17, 2009
being young and having fun
after many questions into my emtional and mental status from my last post, i'm here to say i'm feeling better (drugs are good) and am ready to inform you of all the wonderful things i've been doing lately.
so 2 weekends in orlando were lots o fun. ishu and justin are lovely to let me stay with them. and little olive is so funny and cute. dinner at justin's parents was delicious. i can now say that the best ribs every made are by justin's mom. we went to the craft show at the convention center. it was packed and i picked up a few things for dirt cheap, like i only spent $2.50 total. then we went to buca di beppo for a scrumptious lunch. i had gnocchi for the first time and it was great! the rest of the weekend was relaxing and running errands and i tried to play ghostbusters on the wii, but, let's face it, i'm not that good. my hands have troubles trying to do 4 things at once.
then two days of work with lots of programs at a center near downtown. the kids were older up to 12 years old, so i was a bit nervous. i took the two library interns with me. they totally didn't think i could get the older kids to do some silly songs with me. the kids loved it! the second day they wanted to do more! so it went well and the director wants me to come back in the fall for afterschool programs. i had sunday storytime today. we did the zoo. it was fun and the paper bag puppets were really cute. the weekend was not too busy, which is always good.
i went to my best friend kate's and jenifer's (her older sister by exactly 4 years) bday party last tuesday night and then stayed with my parents. brian and i played wii. he taught me star wars, again with my hands doing 4 things at once. i basically just push all the buttons and shake my hands around, and i finally beat him after like 10 games. then working for dad and getting my hair cut and highlighted, it looks mahvelus. lunch with sam and brian, fixed my broken car lights and some more wii with mom and brian. i'm really gonna miss him when he goes on his 2 year mission for the church, probably starting in october.
i finished my web class last thursday. i was taking the exam at 1am when i spilled a glass of water on my keyboard. luckily the keyboard is fine, but i submitted the exam only half done, getting a 53. i retook it and got a 100, but i couldn't get the certificate of completion because you have to have a 70 and they only except the first submission. after several emails up the food chain, i finally got someone with power and they mailed the certificate right away. now i just have to use those skills and make real websites!
so last week/weekend was all about being a bridesmaid. thursday i did laundry, gave a pedicure, and made a scrapbook of baby pics for the bride. then friday afternoon down to orlando i went. stopped by cvs first to pic up a prescription and realized i had no wallet. luckily this happened or i would have ended up in orlando with no license, money, or my temple recommend (which i needed to be at the wedding). to the church i went and decorating commenced. the men did the white lights drapped from the ceiling and we girls put on tablesclothes, made up flower vases for the center of tables, put out favors, put lights up along the walls, and arranged things. then the wedding party practiced the thriller dance we would perform during the reception. crazy! then to brent's house for sonny's and the making of the bridesmaid bouquets. back to ishu and justin's for chatting and bed.
the next morning ishu did my hair (she straightened it and it looked spectacular) then off to the temple. i was running a bit behind and so i did about 70 through orlando. the speed limit was mostly 45. thank goodness i didn't get pulled over. i made it 10 minutes before it started. got in the wrong elevator, then couldn't get out of the right one. the door opens on both ends and i was facing the wrong way. i hate those elevators that open in the front and back. i never know what i'm doing. anyway the ceremony was beautiful. then we took pictures outside. it was a gorgeous day, but about 100 degrees. sweating everywhere, we took pics for 45 minutes. then off to the church to boss people around. as head bridesmaid i did a lot of bossing around, it was fun! we did a ring ceremony and the reception was fun. brent wrote carrie a song and performed it (he's a music major, so it was good stuff) and they drove off to animal kingdom (a surprise for her). i checked their mail and left a lasagna in the fridge for their return.
after the clean up, which went way fast, i raced back to ishu and justin's so they could take me out for my bday dinner. we went to opa, a greek resturant which was awesome. the food was great, the atmosphere was loud music, a belly dancer and general craziness. i was yanked from my chair twice to dance, once all around the room, holding the hands of hot men. i also was pulled onto a table and sang happy birthday too. what a day!! sunday to church with the 4 year olds they teach, those are some funny little kids. then a nap and home. on the way i got pulled over for doing 83 in a 70. i had another wedding guest catch a ride with me and we were talking and i hadn't set the cruise control and anyway, i got a warning! i was sooo happy. either he thought meghan was way cute (which she is) or he saw that i've never had a speeding ticket (i know, amazing isn't it?), so i'm really glad that a) i fixed my broken taillight and blinkers the wednesday before (thanks brothers) and b) i had stopped at cvs and had to go back for my wallet, lest i had no license or proof of insurance for the trooper. as soon as i got home i ran in my apt, grabbed my scrapbooking stuff and headed to suzi's, where i mostly talked and got very little scrapbooking done. it was a wonderful week, but so tiring and my feet have just recovered from all that running around and standing.
this week has been slower, but involved a lot of being lazy, my clothes are clean but still sitting in baskets, my dishes are washed, but still piled in the drainer, my room has been cleaned once, but is back to a disaster. i've been going through my stuff looking for correspondence with my great aunt louise. she died two years ago and the nursing home people got her to sign a new will that left the money to them and a church she never went to. so my aunt susan has been battling it in court and she needs proof that we had a relationship with her. i found cards and letters she's written. my dad has a box of cards and letters from us that he found in her apartment when they cleaned it out. however, he doesn't know where the will is that he took from her apartment. the one that says we get everything. that is one of my missions tomorrow when cleaning his shop. must find 2003 will. i don't think i'm gonna find it as my parents have both looked, but maybe a miracle will happen.
a friend is retiring from work and a scrapbook is in the works. i went to emily's last night to work on my pages, while she worked on her interview for a job at the downtown library. i hope she gets it, but i'll miss her so much if she goes. i did better on scrapbooking this time, it took four hours, but i got the 2 pages done. obviously a lot of talking and goofing off occurred. i'm working on getting my grandma here for my sister's graduation and christmas, so i had a nice long chat with her. and i just got off the phone with my last roommate who now lives in utah. it was good to catch up with her, especially since she just finished her first summer as a full time mom to her new husband's three girls. i also found out that she's trying to get prego. so many people doing that, one sister (soon to be two), kate, and now julie. i'm hoping that i get to see her when my brother goes to utah in october. i'm gonna try to hitch a ride with him and my parents.
okay this is a way long post and it is now 1:30 in the morning. luckily i'm just working for dad tomorrow and i'm not expected til afternoon. my bday's wednesday, the big 3-0. i only have to work tuesday and friday, so this week will probably be relaxing and fun. only 13 days til our georgia vacay!!!
so 2 weekends in orlando were lots o fun. ishu and justin are lovely to let me stay with them. and little olive is so funny and cute. dinner at justin's parents was delicious. i can now say that the best ribs every made are by justin's mom. we went to the craft show at the convention center. it was packed and i picked up a few things for dirt cheap, like i only spent $2.50 total. then we went to buca di beppo for a scrumptious lunch. i had gnocchi for the first time and it was great! the rest of the weekend was relaxing and running errands and i tried to play ghostbusters on the wii, but, let's face it, i'm not that good. my hands have troubles trying to do 4 things at once.
then two days of work with lots of programs at a center near downtown. the kids were older up to 12 years old, so i was a bit nervous. i took the two library interns with me. they totally didn't think i could get the older kids to do some silly songs with me. the kids loved it! the second day they wanted to do more! so it went well and the director wants me to come back in the fall for afterschool programs. i had sunday storytime today. we did the zoo. it was fun and the paper bag puppets were really cute. the weekend was not too busy, which is always good.
i went to my best friend kate's and jenifer's (her older sister by exactly 4 years) bday party last tuesday night and then stayed with my parents. brian and i played wii. he taught me star wars, again with my hands doing 4 things at once. i basically just push all the buttons and shake my hands around, and i finally beat him after like 10 games. then working for dad and getting my hair cut and highlighted, it looks mahvelus. lunch with sam and brian, fixed my broken car lights and some more wii with mom and brian. i'm really gonna miss him when he goes on his 2 year mission for the church, probably starting in october.
i finished my web class last thursday. i was taking the exam at 1am when i spilled a glass of water on my keyboard. luckily the keyboard is fine, but i submitted the exam only half done, getting a 53. i retook it and got a 100, but i couldn't get the certificate of completion because you have to have a 70 and they only except the first submission. after several emails up the food chain, i finally got someone with power and they mailed the certificate right away. now i just have to use those skills and make real websites!
so last week/weekend was all about being a bridesmaid. thursday i did laundry, gave a pedicure, and made a scrapbook of baby pics for the bride. then friday afternoon down to orlando i went. stopped by cvs first to pic up a prescription and realized i had no wallet. luckily this happened or i would have ended up in orlando with no license, money, or my temple recommend (which i needed to be at the wedding). to the church i went and decorating commenced. the men did the white lights drapped from the ceiling and we girls put on tablesclothes, made up flower vases for the center of tables, put out favors, put lights up along the walls, and arranged things. then the wedding party practiced the thriller dance we would perform during the reception. crazy! then to brent's house for sonny's and the making of the bridesmaid bouquets. back to ishu and justin's for chatting and bed.
the next morning ishu did my hair (she straightened it and it looked spectacular) then off to the temple. i was running a bit behind and so i did about 70 through orlando. the speed limit was mostly 45. thank goodness i didn't get pulled over. i made it 10 minutes before it started. got in the wrong elevator, then couldn't get out of the right one. the door opens on both ends and i was facing the wrong way. i hate those elevators that open in the front and back. i never know what i'm doing. anyway the ceremony was beautiful. then we took pictures outside. it was a gorgeous day, but about 100 degrees. sweating everywhere, we took pics for 45 minutes. then off to the church to boss people around. as head bridesmaid i did a lot of bossing around, it was fun! we did a ring ceremony and the reception was fun. brent wrote carrie a song and performed it (he's a music major, so it was good stuff) and they drove off to animal kingdom (a surprise for her). i checked their mail and left a lasagna in the fridge for their return.
after the clean up, which went way fast, i raced back to ishu and justin's so they could take me out for my bday dinner. we went to opa, a greek resturant which was awesome. the food was great, the atmosphere was loud music, a belly dancer and general craziness. i was yanked from my chair twice to dance, once all around the room, holding the hands of hot men. i also was pulled onto a table and sang happy birthday too. what a day!! sunday to church with the 4 year olds they teach, those are some funny little kids. then a nap and home. on the way i got pulled over for doing 83 in a 70. i had another wedding guest catch a ride with me and we were talking and i hadn't set the cruise control and anyway, i got a warning! i was sooo happy. either he thought meghan was way cute (which she is) or he saw that i've never had a speeding ticket (i know, amazing isn't it?), so i'm really glad that a) i fixed my broken taillight and blinkers the wednesday before (thanks brothers) and b) i had stopped at cvs and had to go back for my wallet, lest i had no license or proof of insurance for the trooper. as soon as i got home i ran in my apt, grabbed my scrapbooking stuff and headed to suzi's, where i mostly talked and got very little scrapbooking done. it was a wonderful week, but so tiring and my feet have just recovered from all that running around and standing.
this week has been slower, but involved a lot of being lazy, my clothes are clean but still sitting in baskets, my dishes are washed, but still piled in the drainer, my room has been cleaned once, but is back to a disaster. i've been going through my stuff looking for correspondence with my great aunt louise. she died two years ago and the nursing home people got her to sign a new will that left the money to them and a church she never went to. so my aunt susan has been battling it in court and she needs proof that we had a relationship with her. i found cards and letters she's written. my dad has a box of cards and letters from us that he found in her apartment when they cleaned it out. however, he doesn't know where the will is that he took from her apartment. the one that says we get everything. that is one of my missions tomorrow when cleaning his shop. must find 2003 will. i don't think i'm gonna find it as my parents have both looked, but maybe a miracle will happen.
a friend is retiring from work and a scrapbook is in the works. i went to emily's last night to work on my pages, while she worked on her interview for a job at the downtown library. i hope she gets it, but i'll miss her so much if she goes. i did better on scrapbooking this time, it took four hours, but i got the 2 pages done. obviously a lot of talking and goofing off occurred. i'm working on getting my grandma here for my sister's graduation and christmas, so i had a nice long chat with her. and i just got off the phone with my last roommate who now lives in utah. it was good to catch up with her, especially since she just finished her first summer as a full time mom to her new husband's three girls. i also found out that she's trying to get prego. so many people doing that, one sister (soon to be two), kate, and now julie. i'm hoping that i get to see her when my brother goes to utah in october. i'm gonna try to hitch a ride with him and my parents.
okay this is a way long post and it is now 1:30 in the morning. luckily i'm just working for dad tomorrow and i'm not expected til afternoon. my bday's wednesday, the big 3-0. i only have to work tuesday and friday, so this week will probably be relaxing and fun. only 13 days til our georgia vacay!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
what i'm really thinking
i have tons to write. i've been doing so many fun things, but what i really want to do is write about how weird i've been feeling. i have an ear infection and i'm hoping that is why i feel dizzy and like my head is full of cotton. either from the drugs or the infection itself. i'm not sure if its the fact that i haven't taken some of my everyday drugs regurlarly or at all. i've been either very angry or feeling weepy or sick to my stomach. i guess taking your precscriptions is important. i haven't exercised in a week or dieted in two and have gained 10lbs. that is definitely making me fell yucky in body and soul.
or maybe the fact that 30 is looming and that i'm going to be a bridesmaid this weekend. or the talk i had with my parents this week about having maxed out all my credit cards, having to borrow money from my little brother to make rent and put gas in my car and fix my stupid broken blinker and taillight and get my hair done for the wedding. and the chat with them about me being all alone. no date in years and all the things i've been doing wrong or not doing at all to attract a man. i have a wonderful life and am blessed with more than i could hope for, but there is this layer of wrongness that i try to bury and not dwell on. i cover it up with friends and food and reading and enjoying the freedom of being single. and while i do enjoy not dealing with the bad things about having a boyfriend or husband or children, the good things i'm missing out on are sorely apparent. and therefore i cover over those with the good things in my life and eat too much and spend money i don't have. i am my own worst enemy and am lacking greatly in the willpower department.
there are only a few things that i have set a goal to and acutally finished. i stopped biting my nails when i was 15, i lost 50 lbs after high school, i got my master's degree, and i'm working in a job i enjoy. that's it. and those are good things, but a very short list of goals attained, especially with 30 looming. i look around at my friends, mostly married with children and wonder about the goals they've reached that i haven't and the goals i've reached that they haven't, or the few that seem to have attained all their goals. do they think, oh how nice it must be for me to not have to worry about a husband and children when i get home for work. how nice to not consult them when making decisions. how lucky i am to have finished school and be in a career. or do they just see what's lacking in my life and feel sorry for me.
and the worst of it all is knowing i'm capable of doing all the things i want, or attaining all the goals i have set, but i'm not doing it. why? why do i sabotage myself? why do i purposely do things that will hurt me in the long run? am i afraid of getting what i want. or afraid if i do all that i can and still don't get what i want, then there is just something wrong with me that i can't fix. i've spent a lot of time this week driving and thinking about all the time i've wasted in my life. of all the really dumb, stupid, idiotic things i've done. but then i think i wouldn't be me if i hadn't lived the way i have. but then i think do i really like the me i've become. and in many ways no. and i'm angry, i am so angry with myself and yet i'm the one person i can't get away from. i think i'm severly lacking in faith. faith in myself, faith in the plan God has for me. how do i get that faith? how do i fix me?
AAAAHHHHHHH! (insert screaming and crying here)
i guess it comes down to not trying to fix me in one fell swoop. i have to work on each problem inch by inch. and i have got to make smaller goals. and i have to keep going, having faith that my life will be what i want it to be. i won't be rich, i won't be gorgeous, i might be single forever, but i will be healthy in body and mind. i will date. i will dig myself out of debt. i will be kinder and less selfish. i will be less angry. i will enjoy the good parts and not cover up the bad. i will be true to what i believe and i will have faith in myself.
now i just have to keep repeating this to myself and make it happen. so much easier said than done. to still from another blogger and friend - 'faith is action'. and i better get busy!
or maybe the fact that 30 is looming and that i'm going to be a bridesmaid this weekend. or the talk i had with my parents this week about having maxed out all my credit cards, having to borrow money from my little brother to make rent and put gas in my car and fix my stupid broken blinker and taillight and get my hair done for the wedding. and the chat with them about me being all alone. no date in years and all the things i've been doing wrong or not doing at all to attract a man. i have a wonderful life and am blessed with more than i could hope for, but there is this layer of wrongness that i try to bury and not dwell on. i cover it up with friends and food and reading and enjoying the freedom of being single. and while i do enjoy not dealing with the bad things about having a boyfriend or husband or children, the good things i'm missing out on are sorely apparent. and therefore i cover over those with the good things in my life and eat too much and spend money i don't have. i am my own worst enemy and am lacking greatly in the willpower department.
there are only a few things that i have set a goal to and acutally finished. i stopped biting my nails when i was 15, i lost 50 lbs after high school, i got my master's degree, and i'm working in a job i enjoy. that's it. and those are good things, but a very short list of goals attained, especially with 30 looming. i look around at my friends, mostly married with children and wonder about the goals they've reached that i haven't and the goals i've reached that they haven't, or the few that seem to have attained all their goals. do they think, oh how nice it must be for me to not have to worry about a husband and children when i get home for work. how nice to not consult them when making decisions. how lucky i am to have finished school and be in a career. or do they just see what's lacking in my life and feel sorry for me.
and the worst of it all is knowing i'm capable of doing all the things i want, or attaining all the goals i have set, but i'm not doing it. why? why do i sabotage myself? why do i purposely do things that will hurt me in the long run? am i afraid of getting what i want. or afraid if i do all that i can and still don't get what i want, then there is just something wrong with me that i can't fix. i've spent a lot of time this week driving and thinking about all the time i've wasted in my life. of all the really dumb, stupid, idiotic things i've done. but then i think i wouldn't be me if i hadn't lived the way i have. but then i think do i really like the me i've become. and in many ways no. and i'm angry, i am so angry with myself and yet i'm the one person i can't get away from. i think i'm severly lacking in faith. faith in myself, faith in the plan God has for me. how do i get that faith? how do i fix me?
AAAAHHHHHHH! (insert screaming and crying here)
i guess it comes down to not trying to fix me in one fell swoop. i have to work on each problem inch by inch. and i have got to make smaller goals. and i have to keep going, having faith that my life will be what i want it to be. i won't be rich, i won't be gorgeous, i might be single forever, but i will be healthy in body and mind. i will date. i will dig myself out of debt. i will be kinder and less selfish. i will be less angry. i will enjoy the good parts and not cover up the bad. i will be true to what i believe and i will have faith in myself.
now i just have to keep repeating this to myself and make it happen. so much easier said than done. to still from another blogger and friend - 'faith is action'. and i better get busy!
Monday, July 27, 2009
how do i fit it all in?
let's see. the bridal shower/bachelorette bash went really well. wonderful fun and great pictures abounded. i took emily's son to a bday party sat morning. he was very well behaved and i had a lot of fun. he's finally at an age where you can carry on a conversation with him and he's hilarious. then off to dad's to work. i did dishes, vaccuumed the whole place, and cleaned the area outside the front door. you can actually see the green indoor/outdoor carpet now instead of just dirt. then dad had me take apart a cpu. it was really dusty, but cool. i learned the names of stuff and what they actually do. i've used a computer since 1984 but never looked inside one. it was fun. and he finally gave me a laptop. unfortunately when i got it home, i couldn't get the wireless to work. but i had fun changing the desktop picture and all the colors to make it mine.
sunday i went to church, where my uncle spoke and of course my aunt came up. i had to go to the bathroom and have a good cry. but we sat next to each other in sunday school and talked about his kids and i felt better. then home to the very deep sleep of a long and much needed nap.
tuesday a daycare called and asked for a program the next morning. their fieldtrip to the zoo was cancelled, so i went wednesday morning and did a zoo program. it went really well, the kids participated a lot, which always makes it more fun. wednesday night i had dinner with debra and sam and then hit some sales at joanne's.
i took thursday off to catch up on my web class and work for dad. i learned tables, which was something i was interested in doing to help a web site look way more organized. i did it in the wee hours of the morning, so i made a lot of little mistakes, but finally got it right. at dad's i cleaned 4 of the 8 windows inside and out. lots o cobwebs, spiders, dirt and dust. i did dishes and worked on, or more like watched, him work on his wireless and getting my laptop to connect to it. it finally did, but when i got it home, i still couldn't get it to work. grrr. but i got money and dinner, so it was a successful day.
i worked the weekend. it was busy in spurts. the rain around 3pm saturday cleared the place out which was nice. we got pretty slammed sunday, so much checkin. but the real bummer was that the blood mobile was supposed to come. lots of people showed up for it, but it didn't arrive until 4pm, an hour before we close. i'm not sure they got anybody. when i got home jodi and i did some rearranging. the desk i use belonged to my last roommate, but jodi bought it from her. it didn't fit in her room, so i put it in the dining room for me to use. she needs more space to spread out her textbooks and study, so she rearranged her room and we switched desks. emily gave me her old flat screen, so i was able to get rid of that monsterous monitor. i also finally opened my all in one printer, scanner, fax, copier that i got for christmas. it is small and works great! i just have to figure out where to put all the stuff that was in the big desk. i'm also thinking of rearranging my room too, we'll see.
today i slept until 1pm. 12 hours of sleep. i guess i was tired. now just catching up on facebook, email, and blogging. gotta go to my sister's to help give her cat a shot. she needs them everyday, cause her kidney's are failing, and karen's in st pete on her last rotation! and justin's gone to new mexico cause his mom's having back surgery today. sam is staying with the animals, but needs help giving the shot. hard to hold a cat still and slowly stick a needle in. then we're gonna see a movie. the proposal if my roommate is free or harry potter if she's not. oh and i need to work on my class too. it ends august 7th and i'll be knee deep in wedding prep, so i have to finish this week.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
playing catch up, again.
yikes its been over two weeks. i was waiting to do this at home so i could add some pics, but at home i find other things to occupy my time. the fourth of july party at cat and bill's was a great success. we played a new game, cornholing (don't know about that spelling) its like bean bag toss. i crushed my roommate and then my brother and i were a team against my brother-in-law justin and sister cat. the first game brian and i devastated them, the second game was neck in neck tying with 100 pts. cat and justin won the tie breaker, but i want a thrid game to prove who is the bestest! swimming in their pool was lovely. we had races, everybody joining in. i was the big loser of that game. i can't swim in a straight line, so i'm blaming my losing to everyone, including my mom, on that defect (she can't swim a straight line either, so it must be her fault). the fireworks were awesome and no one lost any body parts, although my mom stayed on her feet to run if need be. they were pretty big to be exploding right over our heads.
olive's bday party in orlando was sooo much fun. the drive to and from orlando was mostly terrifying and slow. rain is bad on the interstate. lots o accidents and with all the construction in o town water just sits on the road and you go through puddles and just know you're gonna crash into one of those cement barriers and kill yourself. however, the party was a success. the kids loved the pool and cupcakes. the adults loved the food, the cuteness of olive, and pummeling ishu with water balloons (thanks to me!) i'm going down again at the end of the month for a craft fair that should be way fun. and we're gonna eat at our new place bocca de beppo (spelling again) this family style italian place that is awesome! oh and of course i like spending time with the martinez family :)
carrie's bridal shower is tomorrow! filmed the groom answering questions last night and it was hilarious!! i have a lot of cooking to do tonight though. plus the missionaries are coming over and my sister and dinner must be cooked. i'm making meatloaf. oh how i love it, its making my mouth water. i've been making lists today for all the things i still need to do for tomorrow. i will not be getting to sleep anytime soon. i have to finish her present, i finished the big part last night and i think sam can help with the rest while i cook. that would be oh so wonderful. i really hope all goes well tomorrow night. that people show and carrie has fun and the bachelorette part downtown works like a want. we'll see.
i am getting behind on my web class. i had to do two lessons fast this week before they disappeared. gotta catch up this weekend. i worked for dad last friday. i scrubbed the fridge, it looks really good. we also worked on my hand me down laptop, which im way excited about. hopefully we finish it when i go out this saturday. i'm taking emily's son aaron to a bday party saturday morning (hopefully he behaves, the little rascal) and then i'm going out to dad's and hopefully free movie, transformers, with sam and the roommate. work has been good this week. i don't have any programs for two weeks and finished the booklists i've been working on, so i'm being kinda lazy at work since i'm so busy in the personal life. i did go to the gym three times last week and three times this week. i lost 3 lbs. last week, so we'll see if that continues this week. i hope to get to the gym sat night, but usually cleaning dad's shop is a workout in itself.
i think that's everything. i'm sure it's not, but enough for now. hopefully some pics next time!
olive's bday party in orlando was sooo much fun. the drive to and from orlando was mostly terrifying and slow. rain is bad on the interstate. lots o accidents and with all the construction in o town water just sits on the road and you go through puddles and just know you're gonna crash into one of those cement barriers and kill yourself. however, the party was a success. the kids loved the pool and cupcakes. the adults loved the food, the cuteness of olive, and pummeling ishu with water balloons (thanks to me!) i'm going down again at the end of the month for a craft fair that should be way fun. and we're gonna eat at our new place bocca de beppo (spelling again) this family style italian place that is awesome! oh and of course i like spending time with the martinez family :)
carrie's bridal shower is tomorrow! filmed the groom answering questions last night and it was hilarious!! i have a lot of cooking to do tonight though. plus the missionaries are coming over and my sister and dinner must be cooked. i'm making meatloaf. oh how i love it, its making my mouth water. i've been making lists today for all the things i still need to do for tomorrow. i will not be getting to sleep anytime soon. i have to finish her present, i finished the big part last night and i think sam can help with the rest while i cook. that would be oh so wonderful. i really hope all goes well tomorrow night. that people show and carrie has fun and the bachelorette part downtown works like a want. we'll see.
i am getting behind on my web class. i had to do two lessons fast this week before they disappeared. gotta catch up this weekend. i worked for dad last friday. i scrubbed the fridge, it looks really good. we also worked on my hand me down laptop, which im way excited about. hopefully we finish it when i go out this saturday. i'm taking emily's son aaron to a bday party saturday morning (hopefully he behaves, the little rascal) and then i'm going out to dad's and hopefully free movie, transformers, with sam and the roommate. work has been good this week. i don't have any programs for two weeks and finished the booklists i've been working on, so i'm being kinda lazy at work since i'm so busy in the personal life. i did go to the gym three times last week and three times this week. i lost 3 lbs. last week, so we'll see if that continues this week. i hope to get to the gym sat night, but usually cleaning dad's shop is a workout in itself.
i think that's everything. i'm sure it's not, but enough for now. hopefully some pics next time!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
