what i'm really thinking

i have tons to write. i've been doing so many fun things, but what i really want to do is write about how weird i've been feeling. i have an ear infection and i'm hoping that is why i feel dizzy and like my head is full of cotton. either from the drugs or the infection itself. i'm not sure if its the fact that i haven't taken some of my everyday drugs regurlarly or at all. i've been either very angry or feeling weepy or sick to my stomach. i guess taking your precscriptions is important. i haven't exercised in a week or dieted in two and have gained 10lbs. that is definitely making me fell yucky in body and soul.

or maybe the fact that 30 is looming and that i'm going to be a bridesmaid this weekend. or the talk i had with my parents this week about having maxed out all my credit cards, having to borrow money from my little brother to make rent and put gas in my car and fix my stupid broken blinker and taillight and get my hair done for the wedding. and the chat with them about me being all alone. no date in years and all the things i've been doing wrong or not doing at all to attract a man. i have a wonderful life and am blessed with more than i could hope for, but there is this layer of wrongness that i try to bury and not dwell on. i cover it up with friends and food and reading and enjoying the freedom of being single. and while i do enjoy not dealing with the bad things about having a boyfriend or husband or children, the good things i'm missing out on are sorely apparent. and therefore i cover over those with the good things in my life and eat too much and spend money i don't have. i am my own worst enemy and am lacking greatly in the willpower department.

there are only a few things that i have set a goal to and acutally finished. i stopped biting my nails when i was 15, i lost 50 lbs after high school, i got my master's degree, and i'm working in a job i enjoy. that's it. and those are good things, but a very short list of goals attained, especially with 30 looming. i look around at my friends, mostly married with children and wonder about the goals they've reached that i haven't and the goals i've reached that they haven't, or the few that seem to have attained all their goals. do they think, oh how nice it must be for me to not have to worry about a husband and children when i get home for work. how nice to not consult them when making decisions. how lucky i am to have finished school and be in a career. or do they just see what's lacking in my life and feel sorry for me.

and the worst of it all is knowing i'm capable of doing all the things i want, or attaining all the goals i have set, but i'm not doing it. why? why do i sabotage myself? why do i purposely do things that will hurt me in the long run? am i afraid of getting what i want. or afraid if i do all that i can and still don't get what i want, then there is just something wrong with me that i can't fix. i've spent a lot of time this week driving and thinking about all the time i've wasted in my life. of all the really dumb, stupid, idiotic things i've done. but then i think i wouldn't be me if i hadn't lived the way i have. but then i think do i really like the me i've become. and in many ways no. and i'm angry, i am so angry with myself and yet i'm the one person i can't get away from. i think i'm severly lacking in faith. faith in myself, faith in the plan God has for me. how do i get that faith? how do i fix me?

AAAAHHHHHHH! (insert screaming and crying here)

i guess it comes down to not trying to fix me in one fell swoop. i have to work on each problem inch by inch. and i have got to make smaller goals. and i have to keep going, having faith that my life will be what i want it to be. i won't be rich, i won't be gorgeous, i might be single forever, but i will be healthy in body and mind. i will date. i will dig myself out of debt. i will be kinder and less selfish. i will be less angry. i will enjoy the good parts and not cover up the bad. i will be true to what i believe and i will have faith in myself.

now i just have to keep repeating this to myself and make it happen. so much easier said than done. to still from another blogger and friend - 'faith is action'. and i better get busy!