being young and having fun

after many questions into my emtional and mental status from my last post, i'm here to say i'm feeling better (drugs are good) and am ready to inform you of all the wonderful things i've been doing lately.

so 2 weekends in orlando were lots o fun. ishu and justin are lovely to let me stay with them. and little olive is so funny and cute. dinner at justin's parents was delicious. i can now say that the best ribs every made are by justin's mom. we went to the craft show at the convention center. it was packed and i picked up a few things for dirt cheap, like i only spent $2.50 total. then we went to buca di beppo for a scrumptious lunch. i had gnocchi for the first time and it was great! the rest of the weekend was relaxing and running errands and i tried to play ghostbusters on the wii, but, let's face it, i'm not that good. my hands have troubles trying to do 4 things at once.

then two days of work with lots of programs at a center near downtown. the kids were older up to 12 years old, so i was a bit nervous. i took the two library interns with me. they totally didn't think i could get the older kids to do some silly songs with me. the kids loved it! the second day they wanted to do more! so it went well and the director wants me to come back in the fall for afterschool programs. i had sunday storytime today. we did the zoo. it was fun and the paper bag puppets were really cute. the weekend was not too busy, which is always good.

i went to my best friend kate's and jenifer's (her older sister by exactly 4 years) bday party last tuesday night and then stayed with my parents. brian and i played wii. he taught me star wars, again with my hands doing 4 things at once. i basically just push all the buttons and shake my hands around, and i finally beat him after like 10 games. then working for dad and getting my hair cut and highlighted, it looks mahvelus. lunch with sam and brian, fixed my broken car lights and some more wii with mom and brian. i'm really gonna miss him when he goes on his 2 year mission for the church, probably starting in october.

i finished my web class last thursday. i was taking the exam at 1am when i spilled a glass of water on my keyboard. luckily the keyboard is fine, but i submitted the exam only half done, getting a 53. i retook it and got a 100, but i couldn't get the certificate of completion because you have to have a 70 and they only except the first submission. after several emails up the food chain, i finally got someone with power and they mailed the certificate right away. now i just have to use those skills and make real websites!

so last week/weekend was all about being a bridesmaid. thursday i did laundry, gave a pedicure, and made a scrapbook of baby pics for the bride. then friday afternoon down to orlando i went. stopped by cvs first to pic up a prescription and realized i had no wallet. luckily this happened or i would have ended up in orlando with no license, money, or my temple recommend (which i needed to be at the wedding). to the church i went and decorating commenced. the men did the white lights drapped from the ceiling and we girls put on tablesclothes, made up flower vases for the center of tables, put out favors, put lights up along the walls, and arranged things. then the wedding party practiced the thriller dance we would perform during the reception. crazy! then to brent's house for sonny's and the making of the bridesmaid bouquets. back to ishu and justin's for chatting and bed.

the next morning ishu did my hair (she straightened it and it looked spectacular) then off to the temple. i was running a bit behind and so i did about 70 through orlando. the speed limit was mostly 45. thank goodness i didn't get pulled over. i made it 10 minutes before it started. got in the wrong elevator, then couldn't get out of the right one. the door opens on both ends and i was facing the wrong way. i hate those elevators that open in the front and back. i never know what i'm doing. anyway the ceremony was beautiful. then we took pictures outside. it was a gorgeous day, but about 100 degrees. sweating everywhere, we took pics for 45 minutes. then off to the church to boss people around. as head bridesmaid i did a lot of bossing around, it was fun! we did a ring ceremony and the reception was fun. brent wrote carrie a song and performed it (he's a music major, so it was good stuff) and they drove off to animal kingdom (a surprise for her). i checked their mail and left a lasagna in the fridge for their return.

after the clean up, which went way fast, i raced back to ishu and justin's so they could take me out for my bday dinner. we went to opa, a greek resturant which was awesome. the food was great, the atmosphere was loud music, a belly dancer and general craziness. i was yanked from my chair twice to dance, once all around the room, holding the hands of hot men. i also was pulled onto a table and sang happy birthday too. what a day!! sunday to church with the 4 year olds they teach, those are some funny little kids. then a nap and home. on the way i got pulled over for doing 83 in a 70. i had another wedding guest catch a ride with me and we were talking and i hadn't set the cruise control and anyway, i got a warning! i was sooo happy. either he thought meghan was way cute (which she is) or he saw that i've never had a speeding ticket (i know, amazing isn't it?), so i'm really glad that a) i fixed my broken taillight and blinkers the wednesday before (thanks brothers) and b) i had stopped at cvs and had to go back for my wallet, lest i had no license or proof of insurance for the trooper. as soon as i got home i ran in my apt, grabbed my scrapbooking stuff and headed to suzi's, where i mostly talked and got very little scrapbooking done. it was a wonderful week, but so tiring and my feet have just recovered from all that running around and standing.

this week has been slower, but involved a lot of being lazy, my clothes are clean but still sitting in baskets, my dishes are washed, but still piled in the drainer, my room has been cleaned once, but is back to a disaster. i've been going through my stuff looking for correspondence with my great aunt louise. she died two years ago and the nursing home people got her to sign a new will that left the money to them and a church she never went to. so my aunt susan has been battling it in court and she needs proof that we had a relationship with her. i found cards and letters she's written. my dad has a box of cards and letters from us that he found in her apartment when they cleaned it out. however, he doesn't know where the will is that he took from her apartment. the one that says we get everything. that is one of my missions tomorrow when cleaning his shop. must find 2003 will. i don't think i'm gonna find it as my parents have both looked, but maybe a miracle will happen.

a friend is retiring from work and a scrapbook is in the works. i went to emily's last night to work on my pages, while she worked on her interview for a job at the downtown library. i hope she gets it, but i'll miss her so much if she goes. i did better on scrapbooking this time, it took four hours, but i got the 2 pages done. obviously a lot of talking and goofing off occurred. i'm working on getting my grandma here for my sister's graduation and christmas, so i had a nice long chat with her. and i just got off the phone with my last roommate who now lives in utah. it was good to catch up with her, especially since she just finished her first summer as a full time mom to her new husband's three girls. i also found out that she's trying to get prego. so many people doing that, one sister (soon to be two), kate, and now julie. i'm hoping that i get to see her when my brother goes to utah in october. i'm gonna try to hitch a ride with him and my parents.

okay this is a way long post and it is now 1:30 in the morning. luckily i'm just working for dad tomorrow and i'm not expected til afternoon. my bday's wednesday, the big 3-0. i only have to work tuesday and friday, so this week will probably be relaxing and fun. only 13 days til our georgia vacay!!!

what i'm really thinking

i have tons to write. i've been doing so many fun things, but what i really want to do is write about how weird i've been feeling. i have an ear infection and i'm hoping that is why i feel dizzy and like my head is full of cotton. either from the drugs or the infection itself. i'm not sure if its the fact that i haven't taken some of my everyday drugs regurlarly or at all. i've been either very angry or feeling weepy or sick to my stomach. i guess taking your precscriptions is important. i haven't exercised in a week or dieted in two and have gained 10lbs. that is definitely making me fell yucky in body and soul.

or maybe the fact that 30 is looming and that i'm going to be a bridesmaid this weekend. or the talk i had with my parents this week about having maxed out all my credit cards, having to borrow money from my little brother to make rent and put gas in my car and fix my stupid broken blinker and taillight and get my hair done for the wedding. and the chat with them about me being all alone. no date in years and all the things i've been doing wrong or not doing at all to attract a man. i have a wonderful life and am blessed with more than i could hope for, but there is this layer of wrongness that i try to bury and not dwell on. i cover it up with friends and food and reading and enjoying the freedom of being single. and while i do enjoy not dealing with the bad things about having a boyfriend or husband or children, the good things i'm missing out on are sorely apparent. and therefore i cover over those with the good things in my life and eat too much and spend money i don't have. i am my own worst enemy and am lacking greatly in the willpower department.

there are only a few things that i have set a goal to and acutally finished. i stopped biting my nails when i was 15, i lost 50 lbs after high school, i got my master's degree, and i'm working in a job i enjoy. that's it. and those are good things, but a very short list of goals attained, especially with 30 looming. i look around at my friends, mostly married with children and wonder about the goals they've reached that i haven't and the goals i've reached that they haven't, or the few that seem to have attained all their goals. do they think, oh how nice it must be for me to not have to worry about a husband and children when i get home for work. how nice to not consult them when making decisions. how lucky i am to have finished school and be in a career. or do they just see what's lacking in my life and feel sorry for me.

and the worst of it all is knowing i'm capable of doing all the things i want, or attaining all the goals i have set, but i'm not doing it. why? why do i sabotage myself? why do i purposely do things that will hurt me in the long run? am i afraid of getting what i want. or afraid if i do all that i can and still don't get what i want, then there is just something wrong with me that i can't fix. i've spent a lot of time this week driving and thinking about all the time i've wasted in my life. of all the really dumb, stupid, idiotic things i've done. but then i think i wouldn't be me if i hadn't lived the way i have. but then i think do i really like the me i've become. and in many ways no. and i'm angry, i am so angry with myself and yet i'm the one person i can't get away from. i think i'm severly lacking in faith. faith in myself, faith in the plan God has for me. how do i get that faith? how do i fix me?

AAAAHHHHHHH! (insert screaming and crying here)

i guess it comes down to not trying to fix me in one fell swoop. i have to work on each problem inch by inch. and i have got to make smaller goals. and i have to keep going, having faith that my life will be what i want it to be. i won't be rich, i won't be gorgeous, i might be single forever, but i will be healthy in body and mind. i will date. i will dig myself out of debt. i will be kinder and less selfish. i will be less angry. i will enjoy the good parts and not cover up the bad. i will be true to what i believe and i will have faith in myself.

now i just have to keep repeating this to myself and make it happen. so much easier said than done. to still from another blogger and friend - 'faith is action'. and i better get busy!